It's a BOY!!

We had our 20 week ultrasound and we found out we are having a BOY!! It was much more of an emotional experience than I expected. As soon as she said it's a boy tears came down my cheek. Everyone I know with the exception of my in-laws said they thought I was having a girl so I was pretty convinced I was. I know that while Eric would have been excited either way deep down he wanted a son. About a year ago while in the midst of failed fertility treatment my mother-in-law had said to me not to worry. She had a preminition that I was going to have a baby and it was going to be a boy. At least Eric and I don't have to fight over a name. We both agreed on a boy's name!
Yesterday we went shopping and ended up finding furniture that we love. It is by Bonavita (www.bonavita.com) and it is the Peyton collection in expresso. We also found a glider/swivel chair by Best Chairs Inc. It is a storytime chair and was incredibly comfortable. We got it in a microsuede fabric that is a chocolate brown. We also found our nursery pattern at Target of all places (and dirt cheap)! It is http://www.target.com/DwellStudio-Target-Bedding-Collection-Circles/dp/B000VP9JGA/sr=1-10/qid=1232402701/ref=sr_1_10/179-9667834-5126061?ie=UTF8&index=target&rh=k%3ADwell%20Studio%20circle&page=1.
We are going to paint the room a taupe brown with blue accent wall. I can hardly wait!

I'm officially 19 weeks today and half way through. I had my third prenatal appointment on Thursday night and all went well. The heartbeat is 156 and my blood pressure is normal. My only concern is the weight gain but I'm starting to walk again which I had put on hold for the past 3-4 months and I realize I need to watch my diet. The dr. wasn't concerned but I know that the more I put on, the more I have to take off!
The nausea has subsided. I do have some moments of it but it seems to come on more when I haven't had anything to eat. I'm trying to adjust to all the changes my body is now going through. We finally bought a humidifier so I'm not as congested at night as I had been and not waking up with bloody noses every morning. My growing belly is taking some getting used to. I guess some women feel comfortable in their skin while others don't. I'm not feeling so comfortable right now. I'm not used to being this weight but I know it's worth it in the end. I feel bloated and puffy all over and my love of salty foods I know isn't helping my cause! I've started experiencing leg cramps at night, almost like a Charlie Horse but higher up on my leg. I'm sleeping a little better but still feeling tired throughout the day. Other than that it really has been somewhat of a smooth pregnancy symptomwise.
We go on Thursday afternoon for my next ultrasound and hope to find out what we are having. The census is a girl although my father-in-law claims it is a boy and says he is never wrong. I'm so anxious and excited and hope all looks well!

It's been awhile....

I didn't realize how long it has been since I last posted. Part of me still thinks I am going to "jinx" things even though I am considered out of the danger zone of the first trimester. This weekend will mark 16 weeks and I'm officially in the second trimester. Things have been progressing well. I went for an ultrasound at 12.5 weeks and everything was measuring normal (actually 3 days ahead). I had my second prenatal appointment on 12/18 and the heartbeat was 158-160 which was good. I was even able to tape it on my cell phone. I go again on 1/20 where we hope to find out what we are having.
I am starting to feel a little better. The nausea subsided for a couple of weeks but seems to be coming back. Not as strong as before but pangs of it here and there. My new struggle has been the frequent trips to the bathroom which have seemed to increase. It has made getting a good night sleep difficult. I think I am up every 2 hours and once I fall asleep I'm only woken up to have to go again. And at work with our bathroom being all the way down the hall hasn't made it easy. I guess if this is the worst so far I really shouldn't complain. I'm just feeling very tired and not feeling like I am catching up on much needed rest (I guess it's preparing me for the next umpteen years and what being a mom will be like!). I am feeling very blessed especially at this time of year. I want to pinch myself because I am still in disbelief that my wish may finally come true. I have been blessed with a beautiful family, wonderful husband, great friends and a baby on the way. It really seems to good to be true! I pray that everything continues on this path and June gets here fast!

I didn't want to jump the gun and write too much before knowing exactly what was going on but now I have a clear picture. My blood test came back last Friday with my beta HCG being a level of 62 which meant I was pregnant (usually anything over 50 is good) so mine was a little low. They like to see this # double every 48-72 hours so I had to go back on Monday for another blood test. This came back at 142 and the nurse said it wasn't bad but they would have liked to have seen at least 160 but I was to go again on Wed for another test. The level on Wed. came back at 196 and the nurse said that they were nervous. My levels were low and not doubling as they would like. She said this typically signals an ectopic pregnancy or a non viable pregnancy and I would have an early loss as I have had before. She wanted me to go in today for an ultrasound and bloodwork since I was 5 weeks. At five weeks you typically are able to see a sac on the ultrasound which can rule out an ectopic meaning this would be an abnormal uterine pregnancy. The dr. was unable to locate a sac so they are waiting to see what my levels come back at this afternoon. I have to go back on Monday to see if he can see anything. If not he will more than likely have to give me a shot that will release it out of my tube or if he sees a sac I will have to wait it out.
It is such heartache. I almost would have rather had a negative test than get my hopes up that it would have worked this time. The waiting and waiting is simply awful. This is exactly what happened a year and a half ago on Mother's Day. I knew I was going to lose it and there was nothing I could do but wait. I asked the dr. whether having these early losses is a whole other issue and he said usually when a loss is this early it is due to a chromosone issue and he feels I should be able to have a normal pregnancy. My question is whether I even want to go down this road again. After 11 IUIs and 1 IVF attempt I am physically and emotionally spent. People have said you only tried it once but that is from those who never went through this and can never fully understand how difficult this is. You are under a microscope and know every thing your body is doing which can be good and bad. It prepares you for the worst but at the same time you can't stop it.
I definitely will take time off. I need to let my body have a break from all that I've been doing to it and just relax. So much of our marriage has been focused and consumed by this that I don't want to look back and regret not living life. I am deeply saddened but I've been down this road before and have been ok. I have a loving family, supportive husband and great friends who make me see all that I do have in my life to be thankful for. I would love to share it all with a child but maybe biologically I am unable to be a mom and can find some other way to share it.

Whoever said that the 2 week wait was the worst part was not lying. I took it easy last week. I did get up and do some things but for the most part tried to lay down. Eric kept telling me to go lay down but I was getting bored and antsy. He has been great. He has been cooking and cleaning and totally pampering me (which is what he does all the time so it wasn't that different!). He has been helping me with the shots. We have a system going where I insert the needle and because it is progesterone in oil and thick he injects it. I'm very proud of him. There were a few times where I was bleeding quite a bit and it didn't even phase him. Usually you say the word blood and he's down on the ground! So we conquered his fear in this process!
The waiting is torture. I have been cramping on and off and it is very unsettling. I keep thinking my cycle is about to start and wonder if I didn't lay down enough or did something wrong. I called the nurse a couple of times (yes, this has made me paranoid) and she reassures me that cramping can be normal. She said for as many people who cramp there are just as many who do not. I have to remind myself of all that my body has gone through from the retrieval to the transfer. I am hoping that the cramping is due to the embryos implanting and keep telling Eric that maybe all THREE are digging in. I don't know if I would feel more unsettled if I didn't feel anything. I'm just very nervous about the phone call on Friday with our results.
I have to say that I don't think I could have made it through this without the support of friends, family and Eric. Even when talking with others going through it we never talk about the impact that it has on those around us. I have seen relationships fall apart because it is so taxing. It becomes such an act month after month and it is hard not to let it consume you and take over. It definitely takes away any spontaneity in the romance department when everything is planned sometimes hour by hour! I truly believe that while it has challenged Eric and I it has only helped to make our bond that much stronger. I know it has been difficult for Eric to understand the emotions that I've felt. When it's not your body going through it I can imagine it is hard to completely understand. He is not one for emotion and many times I've called him "the wall". His gut reaction if I am crying is to make me stop because it makes him uncomfortable and uneasy that he can't take my pain away. But at the same time he has held my hand this whole time and has been my rock. I am truly grateful for him. We continue to nourish our relationship and I am thankful that we have made it to where we are today.
I am off for this week and plan on taking it easy. I went to acupuncture again today and she said if I feel cramping to take it easy and lay down. Hopefully it is a good sign and in a few days I'll know for sure.
I am so thankful for all the well wishes sent my way. This is what has helped me on my journey...thank you.........

I got the call this morning that the embryologist did not suggest waiting to day 5 and they wanted to do the transfer this morning. I had to empty my bladder and start drinking a liter of water. For those of you who know me well this was torture. I have the bladder of an 80 year old and the thought of not being able to go made me more nervous...thus, having to go even more! So we made it to the doctor's office at 9:15. The nurse checked my bladder to make sure it was full and it was! The dr. then came in with a picture of my embryos. There were 2 that were 7 cells and 1 that was 8cells. They were also grade 1. They also had 2 that were 5 cells and 1 that was 7 cells along with one that they were continuing to watch. They are freezing the 3 and possibly the fourth. The dr. asked how many we wanted to transfer. Eric wanted to do 2 but I thought since we came this far I wanted to do all 3 and we did. The process went smoothly. It definitely was uncomfortable due to the full bladder but it was manageable. The real waiting now begins. I go on Oct. 3 for the bloodtest that will tell if it worked! They said my lining looked good so they just need to implant. I know they can do it!!! I go again for acupuncture tomorrow and Thursday to help with my lining and implantation. :)

The embryologist called this morning. I have 3 follicles with 2 cells, 3 with 4 cells and 1 with 5 cells. They like to see them at 6-8 before transfer. I am tentatively scheduled for tomorrow morning for the transfer but they need to see what they will do overnight. Hopefully the ones that are 4 will be 8 and the one that is 5 will be 10. Still the waiting game. I went to acupuncture tonight which is supposed to help relax your uterus and assist with implantation. I've even gotten my mom to go to help with her back pain. Won't know much until they call in the morning.
Started the progesterone shots. I decided to just do it myself because I knew I needed to control the needle which is this big -------------------- and thick rather than have Eric or my mom do it. It is sore on my right side but tonight I did my left side and had no problems. I think the key is NOT icing it first because it is sesame oil and thick. Not icing helps to dissipate it better.
Still crossing my fingers, trying to be positive and nurturing my body the best I can! Time will tell!