It's been awhile....

I didn't realize how long it has been since I last posted. Part of me still thinks I am going to "jinx" things even though I am considered out of the danger zone of the first trimester. This weekend will mark 16 weeks and I'm officially in the second trimester. Things have been progressing well. I went for an ultrasound at 12.5 weeks and everything was measuring normal (actually 3 days ahead). I had my second prenatal appointment on 12/18 and the heartbeat was 158-160 which was good. I was even able to tape it on my cell phone. I go again on 1/20 where we hope to find out what we are having.
I am starting to feel a little better. The nausea subsided for a couple of weeks but seems to be coming back. Not as strong as before but pangs of it here and there. My new struggle has been the frequent trips to the bathroom which have seemed to increase. It has made getting a good night sleep difficult. I think I am up every 2 hours and once I fall asleep I'm only woken up to have to go again. And at work with our bathroom being all the way down the hall hasn't made it easy. I guess if this is the worst so far I really shouldn't complain. I'm just feeling very tired and not feeling like I am catching up on much needed rest (I guess it's preparing me for the next umpteen years and what being a mom will be like!). I am feeling very blessed especially at this time of year. I want to pinch myself because I am still in disbelief that my wish may finally come true. I have been blessed with a beautiful family, wonderful husband, great friends and a baby on the way. It really seems to good to be true! I pray that everything continues on this path and June gets here fast!

I didn't want to jump the gun and write too much before knowing exactly what was going on but now I have a clear picture. My blood test came back last Friday with my beta HCG being a level of 62 which meant I was pregnant (usually anything over 50 is good) so mine was a little low. They like to see this # double every 48-72 hours so I had to go back on Monday for another blood test. This came back at 142 and the nurse said it wasn't bad but they would have liked to have seen at least 160 but I was to go again on Wed for another test. The level on Wed. came back at 196 and the nurse said that they were nervous. My levels were low and not doubling as they would like. She said this typically signals an ectopic pregnancy or a non viable pregnancy and I would have an early loss as I have had before. She wanted me to go in today for an ultrasound and bloodwork since I was 5 weeks. At five weeks you typically are able to see a sac on the ultrasound which can rule out an ectopic meaning this would be an abnormal uterine pregnancy. The dr. was unable to locate a sac so they are waiting to see what my levels come back at this afternoon. I have to go back on Monday to see if he can see anything. If not he will more than likely have to give me a shot that will release it out of my tube or if he sees a sac I will have to wait it out.
It is such heartache. I almost would have rather had a negative test than get my hopes up that it would have worked this time. The waiting and waiting is simply awful. This is exactly what happened a year and a half ago on Mother's Day. I knew I was going to lose it and there was nothing I could do but wait. I asked the dr. whether having these early losses is a whole other issue and he said usually when a loss is this early it is due to a chromosone issue and he feels I should be able to have a normal pregnancy. My question is whether I even want to go down this road again. After 11 IUIs and 1 IVF attempt I am physically and emotionally spent. People have said you only tried it once but that is from those who never went through this and can never fully understand how difficult this is. You are under a microscope and know every thing your body is doing which can be good and bad. It prepares you for the worst but at the same time you can't stop it.
I definitely will take time off. I need to let my body have a break from all that I've been doing to it and just relax. So much of our marriage has been focused and consumed by this that I don't want to look back and regret not living life. I am deeply saddened but I've been down this road before and have been ok. I have a loving family, supportive husband and great friends who make me see all that I do have in my life to be thankful for. I would love to share it all with a child but maybe biologically I am unable to be a mom and can find some other way to share it.

Whoever said that the 2 week wait was the worst part was not lying. I took it easy last week. I did get up and do some things but for the most part tried to lay down. Eric kept telling me to go lay down but I was getting bored and antsy. He has been great. He has been cooking and cleaning and totally pampering me (which is what he does all the time so it wasn't that different!). He has been helping me with the shots. We have a system going where I insert the needle and because it is progesterone in oil and thick he injects it. I'm very proud of him. There were a few times where I was bleeding quite a bit and it didn't even phase him. Usually you say the word blood and he's down on the ground! So we conquered his fear in this process!
The waiting is torture. I have been cramping on and off and it is very unsettling. I keep thinking my cycle is about to start and wonder if I didn't lay down enough or did something wrong. I called the nurse a couple of times (yes, this has made me paranoid) and she reassures me that cramping can be normal. She said for as many people who cramp there are just as many who do not. I have to remind myself of all that my body has gone through from the retrieval to the transfer. I am hoping that the cramping is due to the embryos implanting and keep telling Eric that maybe all THREE are digging in. I don't know if I would feel more unsettled if I didn't feel anything. I'm just very nervous about the phone call on Friday with our results.
I have to say that I don't think I could have made it through this without the support of friends, family and Eric. Even when talking with others going through it we never talk about the impact that it has on those around us. I have seen relationships fall apart because it is so taxing. It becomes such an act month after month and it is hard not to let it consume you and take over. It definitely takes away any spontaneity in the romance department when everything is planned sometimes hour by hour! I truly believe that while it has challenged Eric and I it has only helped to make our bond that much stronger. I know it has been difficult for Eric to understand the emotions that I've felt. When it's not your body going through it I can imagine it is hard to completely understand. He is not one for emotion and many times I've called him "the wall". His gut reaction if I am crying is to make me stop because it makes him uncomfortable and uneasy that he can't take my pain away. But at the same time he has held my hand this whole time and has been my rock. I am truly grateful for him. We continue to nourish our relationship and I am thankful that we have made it to where we are today.
I am off for this week and plan on taking it easy. I went to acupuncture again today and she said if I feel cramping to take it easy and lay down. Hopefully it is a good sign and in a few days I'll know for sure.
I am so thankful for all the well wishes sent my way. This is what has helped me on my journey...thank you.........

I got the call this morning that the embryologist did not suggest waiting to day 5 and they wanted to do the transfer this morning. I had to empty my bladder and start drinking a liter of water. For those of you who know me well this was torture. I have the bladder of an 80 year old and the thought of not being able to go made me more nervous...thus, having to go even more! So we made it to the doctor's office at 9:15. The nurse checked my bladder to make sure it was full and it was! The dr. then came in with a picture of my embryos. There were 2 that were 7 cells and 1 that was 8cells. They were also grade 1. They also had 2 that were 5 cells and 1 that was 7 cells along with one that they were continuing to watch. They are freezing the 3 and possibly the fourth. The dr. asked how many we wanted to transfer. Eric wanted to do 2 but I thought since we came this far I wanted to do all 3 and we did. The process went smoothly. It definitely was uncomfortable due to the full bladder but it was manageable. The real waiting now begins. I go on Oct. 3 for the bloodtest that will tell if it worked! They said my lining looked good so they just need to implant. I know they can do it!!! I go again for acupuncture tomorrow and Thursday to help with my lining and implantation. :)

The embryologist called this morning. I have 3 follicles with 2 cells, 3 with 4 cells and 1 with 5 cells. They like to see them at 6-8 before transfer. I am tentatively scheduled for tomorrow morning for the transfer but they need to see what they will do overnight. Hopefully the ones that are 4 will be 8 and the one that is 5 will be 10. Still the waiting game. I went to acupuncture tonight which is supposed to help relax your uterus and assist with implantation. I've even gotten my mom to go to help with her back pain. Won't know much until they call in the morning.
Started the progesterone shots. I decided to just do it myself because I knew I needed to control the needle which is this big -------------------- and thick rather than have Eric or my mom do it. It is sore on my right side but tonight I did my left side and had no problems. I think the key is NOT icing it first because it is sesame oil and thick. Not icing helps to dissipate it better.
Still crossing my fingers, trying to be positive and nurturing my body the best I can! Time will tell!

The retrieval went well. I was definitely nervous the night before and the morning of but I think the anticipation was the worst. I was out for about 10 minutes. The dr. was able to retrieve 11 eggs. The embryologist called this morning and out of the 11 eggs 8 of them were mature. They all fertilized which she said was good that I had a 100% fertilization rate. The 8th one that fertilized though fertilized abnormally so I am working with 7. They have split so they continue to watch them over the next day. I'm not all that sure about this process and what has to occur. I think they have to continue to divide. They will call me tomorrow with an update and if there is a transfer it will be either Tuesday or Thursday. It is hard for them to tell me anything concrete because they don't know what will transpire but she said my age is a good factor. I am hoping that out of the 7 I will have at least 2 to transfer back. I'll go to acupuncture the night before the transfer and then the 2 days after it. She said it helps relax the uterus which helps with implantation.
Tonight I start the progesterone shot which I am stressing about big time! Even after everything I've put my body through you'd think this wouldn't scare me. The needle is just so enormous compared to others I've done and it has to go into your butt muscle. The size of the needle is enough to make me cry, 1 1/2 inches and it is a thick needle! I talked to the nurse. She said the first time is nerve wracking but most find once they do it they are ok. I've talked to others...they say it hurts. I know this is the next step in the process and I want to know I did all I could. I was going to have Eric or my mom administer it but I think I'd be more tense not knowing when it was going to go in. I'm going to try and do it myself. Hopefully it won't hurt...too much!

What a difference a day makes! I should have listened to Eric when he said calm down and don't stress out. I went this morning and my follicles went from 10mm to between 14 and 18mm. I have about 5 on my left side and 2 small ones on my right side (this side never seems to react to the stims the same way). This explains all the discomfort I was feeling yesterday! They were doing their job and working hard! So tonight was my last night of the stims and my belly thanks me. The 4 shots a day were definitely taking a toll and leaving me with a very sore stomach. They wanted to give me one more day to give some of the slower follicles a chance to grow more. They like to see them at about 16mm prior to the retrieval because it gives them the best chance of having a mature egg. I take the HCG shot tomorrow night which triggers you to ovulate and then the retrieval will be on Saturday morning. My hope is that best case scenario is all 7 will have an egg and they'll be able to fertilize 2-3. I'm not sure if I'll have anything to freeze. The dr. did not think so. So it is still a waiting game but I'm still moving forward which I am happy about. Just crossing my fingers that I'll have something to put back in next week!

I had an ultrasound and bw this morning. I left in tears....the nurse could only find 5 follicles and they didn't seem to grow at the rate expected given I am on the highest dose of stims they can give. What upset me too is that the nurse is doing the ultrasound. I really expect the dr. to be doing them. I had asked her about the possibility of the cycle being canceled and the way she reacted left me to believe there was a good chance. For them to go in to do a retrieval they like your follicles to at least be 16-18mm. Mine were behind. I left feeling defeated. I decided to call the dr. and speak with him directly. He called me back with more hopeful news. He said that my estrogen level went from 165 to 631 and the "response was promising". He told me that I had 3 follicles that were 10mm, 2 that were 9mm and one that was 8mm. He is hoping by my next appt on Wed. that they will grow to about 15 and they may trigger me with the HCG shot (this allows you to ovulate 36 hours later) on Thursday night with a retrieval on Sat. He wants to keep me on the same dose as well and said that the dr. will do my next ultrasound. This is his ideal situation but we'll have to wait to see what my body does. My hope is that I'll have 5-6 good follicles, that they will retrieve an egg from each and at least 2 will fertilize for the transfer. Everyone keeps saying it is quality over quantity and it only takes one. Today was definitely a more emotional day for me. It is hard for me to not be in control and the unknown is hard. Harder is knowing that this is what my body does and how it responds to the medication. I'm not sure trying IVF more than once will help because I do not have a good reaction to the stims. I know I am jumping the gun and need to stay positive for Wednesday. Things could make a turn and I may be on a good path. The waiting is the worst. On top of that I had to fight with the drug company to get the discount I was told I'd get. It felt like one thing after another today! I'm crossing my fingers. I need more baby dust!

I had a dr. appointment on Monday and they had difficulty finding my ovaries. They usually have trouble locating my left one because it tucks itself behind my uterus but this time the nurse had trouble finding both. The dr. had to come in and she had success.
I had another ultrasound and bloodwork this morning. While I am trying so hard to be positive and hopeful I thought that today would show more than it did especially with such a high dose of stims that I am taking. They found 2 small follicles on the right and 4 very small follicles on the left. The dr. said that given my past response to meds that she wasn't surprised because I am a low responder. From others that I've talked to they have had 15-25 follicles. I am just feeling down because I want to go in with the best case scenario. I understand that it only takes one egg. I am fearful that if I am only going in with a potential of 6 which may not all be viable that I may not have anything to transfer. I am continuing on the same dose and am scheduled to go back again on Monday. I'm continuing with the acupuncture as well. I think today is the first day in awhile that I've truly felt down. I still feel guilty for spending thousands of dollars without a guarantee and it's hard knowing my body is doing what it is doing. As my husband said if there was a guarantee everyone would be doing it...

All went well this morning. The hysteroscopy was clear. There was nothing in my uterus and the openings to my fallopian tubes were clear. I didn't have any polyps or scar tissue that he could see. For some reason he decided to do another endometrial biopsy which was a lot more uncomfortable than the first time...maybe because I wasn't prepared for it! It felt like he yanked my insides out! The hysteroscopy was definitely more uncomfortable than I thought it would be but didn't take too long. I think if it had I would have passed out! I felt a little light headed afterwards but they put you in recovery for 15 minutes to make sure you are all ok. I'm a little crampy but that is about it. So now I move forward. I stop the birth control pill tonight and go on Monday for my ultrasound and bloodwork and will start the micro Lupron.

My hysteroscopy is tomorrow morning. I am a little anxious but I don't think it will be too bad. Compared with everything else my body has gone through it should be able to handle this too!
I had my nurse consult last week. I take the birth control pill tonight and tomorrow and then I am done. I go on Monday, 9/8 for my first ultrasound and bloodwork and I start the micro lupron. She doesn't want me to be on Lupron the month before because it will shut down my system too much. The way she is doing it should prevent me from ovulating on my own and still allow them to "control" my system. On 9/9 I will start 600 ius of Gonal F. So I will have to do 4 shots total a day which I am nervous about. I am used to 2 a day but 4 sounds more daunting to me. I'll do a shot of the Lupron and 300 ius of the Gonal F in the morning and repeat this at night. My stomach is going to look like a pin cushion I'm sure! I should do the shots for roughly 10 days and then they will probably have me trigger with the HCG. 36 hours after the HCG shot I will go in for the retrieval. They will put me under and retrieve the eggs. They will fertilize the eggs (hopefully I'll have enough!) and they keep a watch for a couple of days. They will then transfer back the embryos that are viable by a process similar to an IUI (artificial insemination) and the waiting game (which I will assume is the worst part of this whole process) begins. 2 weeks to wait and they will do a bloodtest. I am continuing with the acupuncture and they will also have me starting the progesterone shots (I am used to the pill so this should be fun). It has to go in your muscle above your butt so my mom will probably help with this. Eric would be on the floor if I asked him to do it!
I am trying to be as mentally prepared as possible. I am trying not to think of the possibility of it not working because I am concerned about how I will get through that period. It is so difficult when you know in your heart of hearts that you were meant to be a mom and having to face the realization that it may not happen. It is hard for me to focus and think of anything else because in all honestly I just don't care about anything else right now.....
Please say a prayer...maybe more so for Eric than me because I know once I start those hormones he may need it more! ;)

I went today and met with Weiping Wang. She is an OB from China who is practicing acupuncture at Maple Glen Acupuncture. I've been doing a lot of reading on combining acupuncture with IVF and the increased success rates. In addition to being an OB she worked for a fertility clinic for 13 years so she is very familiar with the treatments which I liked. She said that I should come once a week until I start the injections, then twice a week once I am doing the injections, the day before the transfer and 3 days in a row after the transfer and once a week until I find out I am pregnant. If I do get pregnant she suggests coming twice a week until they hear the heartbeat to prevent miscarriage. I did my first session today. I wasn't sure what to expect. She put about 8 needles in my legs, 5 in my abdomen, 2 in each wrist and 2 on each side of my head. She left me there for 30 minutes while music played in the background. It was relaxing and I can see how it will help alleviate stress (which I would need even if not going through IVF)! I think part of me was a little skeptical about Chinese medicine but from all that I have read I am coming to believe in it more and more. Acupuncture is supposed to help hormonally, help the blood flow to the uterus and decrease stress. She completely understood the stress financially along with doing the treatment, to dealing with work and missed time. I felt very at ease with her and hopefully this in combination with IVF will work!
I had my IVF consult 2 weeks ago, my genetic consult last week (which wasn't really worth the time but required) and this week I have the nurse consult. Next week is the hysteroscopy on 9/3, I'll stop the birth control pill on the third and should be starting the injections within a week or so. I have to get more bloodwork because Quest apparently didn't do one of the tests because they didn't know how to code it...so they just didn't bother to do it! And they did this twice. Needless to say this boggles my mind that they just decided not to do their job, not once but twice. This will be my fourth time back to them tomorrow.
I'm trying to stay positive. I've heard success stories which is encouraging. I told work about taking time off and they were fine with it so my plan is to take the 2 weeks after the transfer to do nothing and relax!

We are moving forward with IVF. I have my IVF consult this Wednesday, the genetic consult next Thursday and the nurse consult the following Thursday. The hysteroscopy is now scheduled for Sept. 3 and our plan is to start as soon as we get the go ahead from the doctor. I am having mixed emotions. It is a financial commitment that we've had to make since our insurance does not cover it. It is difficult to know we are spending thousands of dollars without a guarantee but I know if I look back I don't want to have any regrets and think that I did not give this my all. I've had to ask myself if I am mentally prepared if it doesn't work and part of me feels I am but there is still that unknown. It will be devastating but each month that goes by that I'm not pregnant is devastating. IVF will give them a better idea of the quality of my eggs and may fill in that missing piece. The past 5 years have been a roller coaster ride, from anger to grief each month, wondering why. It's like a loss month after month when it doesn't happen. The let down doesn't get any easier. It's hard to see friends having their second and third child and we can't have one. It's hard being asked, "When are you having kids" or being asked why we don't want kids and hearing people say, "We weren't even trying". Personally I need to know that I did try and gave it my all. I want to give my body the best chance especially since this may be our only try and the investment we are making is big. I want to decrease the stress I am feeling. I may take a couple of weeks off and go from there. Please keep us in your prayers and send baby dust our way!!

It really wasn't bad and I really worked myself up for nothing. I had the endometrial biopsy done today. It took all of 1 minute. After he numbed my cervix he inserted the catheter and told me to count to 5 while he took a piece of my lining. He was done before I even reached 5. It was a little uncomfortable but NOTHING like what other people said it would feel like. A small pinch and cramping that was over before I could blink. The dr. was great. He joked around with Eric and I and encouraged questions. Other drs. I've gone to have done their thing and leave and seemed too busy for questions. One more test to go, the Hysteroscopy, and then I should have a clearer idea of the whole picture.

I saw the little line...I'm ovulating. So now the next step is to go in for the endometrial biopsy. The endometrial biopsy involves scraping and examining a sample of tissue from the lining of the uterus (endometrium). The procedure makes it possible for the doctor to determine if ovulation has occurred, and whether the lining of the uterus has undergone the changes necessary for the implantation of a fertilized egg and the support of an early pregnancy. An endometrial biopsy can also detect an infection or inflammation of the endometrium. The doctor will be testing to see if the uterine lining responds normally to progesterone, which is why an endometrial biopsy and infertility go hand in hand. An endometrial biopsy can also be performed to test abnormal uterine bleeding, which can also be caused by a hormone imbalance.
Of course I went online to find out more about this procedure since my other doctors never had me do this and I almost cancelled it. Wrong site to read and the name should have given it away(http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2006/07/endometrial-biopsy.html). The women on here are equating the pain to contractions while in labor. Now I know that this is the result I am looking for but I am a wimp with pain. Hopefully the nerves will subside and I'll be fine. I'm scheduled for Thursday morning, 10:45 and plan on loading up with some Motrin beforehand. I know that I need to rule out all possible causes before moving onto IVF and this is just one of the steps I need to take.

So I was scheduled for a Hysteroscopy for tomorrow morning. I got a call this afternoon and the nurse said that they had to cancel my appointment because the surgery center is not a participating location with my insurance(gotta love Aetna). Why they didn't realize this before they scheduled me there is beyond me and irritating because they are now delaying the process. I am going to have to wait until next month's cycle starts, call and probably do birth control to prevent ovulation so they can do the test. They only do it one Wednesday a month at Abington. They basically insert a camera to the hysteroscope and put this in your uterus (not sounding like fun to me...the last time they did this it was in conjunction with a surgery so I was sound asleep...this time I won't be). They will be able to tell if there is any scar tissue, any polyps or fibroids. Then I have to get bloodwork tomorrow morning. Eric went already and no lie (because I called Quest thinking maybe he was delirious and they took too much blood!) they took 22 vials of blood. They had to do a separate vial for each test and my rap sheet has 32 tests! Hopefully I won't pass out!
When I spoke to the nurse this afternoon I had asked about my Day 3 FSH level and it was 11 (in the past it was between 8-9). This is the follicle stimulating hormone and it is the main hormone used to produce eggs. By testing this level it can tell a doctor about one's ovarian reserve-hence the biological clock ticking and ticking. The higher the level the closer one is to menopause and decreased eggs. They use a chart to explain the levels:

Day 3 FSH level

Less than 10
Reassuring level. Expect a good response to ovarian stimulation.
10 - 12
Fair. Response is between completely normal and somewhat reduced (response varies widely). Overall, a somewhat reduced live birth rate.
12- 15
Reduced ovarian reserve. Usually show a reduced response to stimulation and some reduction in egg and embryo quality with IVF. Reduced live birth rates on the average.
15 - 20
Generally show a more marked reduction in response to stimulation and usually a further reduction in egg and embryo quality with IVF. Low live birth rates. Antral follicle count a very important consideration.
Over 20
Perhaps a "No go" level in our center. Very poor (or no) response to stimulation. "No go" levels must be individualized for the particular lab assay and IVF center. Antral follicle count a very important consideration.

With my level being an 11 I rate "fair".
They also did a baseline antral follicle count. Antral follicle counts are a good predictor of the number of mature follicles that the dr. will be able to stimulate in the woman's ovaries when they administer the injectable FSH medications that are used for in vitro fertilization. The number of eggs retrieved correlates with IVF success rates. So one asks, How many antral follicles are good? Well, they have a chart for this too!

Total number of antral follicles
Expected response to injectable ovarian stimulating drug (FSH product) and chances for success
Less than 4
Extremely low count, very poor (or no) response to stimulation and a cancelled cycle expected.Should seriously consider not attempting IVF at all.Rare pregnancies if IVF attempted.
4-7
Low count, we are concerned about a possible/probable poor response to the stimulation drugs.Likely to need high doses of FSH product to stimulate ovaries adequately.Higher than average rate of IVF cycle cancellation.Lower than average pregnancy rates for those cases that make it to egg retrieval. The reduction in success rates is more pronounced beyond age 35.
8-10
Somewhat reduced count.Higher than average rate of IVF cycle cancellation.Slightly reduced chances for pregnancy as a group.
11-14
Normal (but intermediate) count, the response to drug stimulation is sometimes low, but usually good.Slight increased risk for IVF cycle cancellation.Pregnancy rates as a group only slightly reduced compared to the "best" group.
15-26
Normal (good) antral count, should have an excellent response to ovarian stimulation.Likely to respond well to low doses of FSH product.Very low risk for IVF cycle cancellation. Some risk for ovarian overstimulation. Best pregnancy rates overall as a group.
Over 26
High count, watch for polycystic ovary type of ovarian response.Likely to have a high response to low doses of FSH product.Higher than average risk for overstimulation.Very good pregnancy rate overall as a group, but some cases in the group have egg quality issues and lower chances for pregnancy.

When they did the ultrasound I had 6 follicles which is a low count. So with the low follicle count and higher FSH level they are saying that my odds are decreased but there is still a chance. They want to run additional tests to make sure there aren't more issues. I guess aging ovaries and endometriosis isn't enough! I'm trying to stay hopeful. There are women with worse situations who have success. My plan is to get all the tests done and get all the facts together to make an educated decision. And to think in school they teach you all about the birds and the bees. Hmmm. If only it were that easy.

How do you know when to move on?

I wish I had started this years ago to fully capture this 5 year journey I've been on so I could look back and remember the emotions and feelings I have experienced. I guess now is better than never.....
To want something so badly but you can't have it. It's a feeling that I struggle finding the words to describe. The realization that I may not be a mother, to not share something so sacred with my husband..how does one deal with this? I don't know....the frustration, the anger, the hurt, it is all becoming more and more overwhelming. To not succeed at something...to fail, my body has failed me....and to not know why is the hardest part. How do you know when to say enough is enough and move on? How do you know when to throw the towel in? I don't.....

I've been to 3 different fertility doctors. I've tried Clomid 6 times and have tried injectible medications 4 times. I'm up to 11 IUIs (artificial insemination). I had a laparoscopy where they discoverd I had deep endometriosis along with a slew of other issues-polyps, a blocked tube, this after being told that a laparoscopy "wouldn't show anything that could be affecting my fertility"-good thing I sought out another opinion! The "good" news in all of this is that I did conceive after they cleaned me out inside. But I miscarried after 7 1/2 weeks on Mother's Day, after just hearing the heartbeat. I was left thinking that maybe that was my sign...maybe this isn't meant to be. How could "he" be so cruel? Maybe the signs have been there all along and I'm refusing to see them.

On my quest to find answers I went to my fourth doctor last week who basically said my ovaries were like "that of a 39 year old". Not something you want to hear as your 33rd birthday quickly approaches. My only hope, if there is any hope, is IVF which of course is NOT covered in the state of PA or by our insurance (after we've already spent thousands on the other treatments). I'm left with the knowledge that I can spend $12,000 for the "hope" that it will work, not even a 50/50 chance especially with my background. Yes, the end result could all be overwhelmingly worth it but what if the results are not +. Am I prepared for the second biggest let down of this 5 year process? I am being consumed by this, by the quest to find answers, consumed knowing that my "biological clock" is ticking away, consumed knowing that although I'm only 33 and should have a few more years left the reality is my body is not 33 but approaching a 40 year old and the success rate is considerably low. I don't know how to see the positive side when the reality is hitting me smack in the face. There is such a void in my life and there is only one way to fill it. I feel unfulfilled personally and especially professionally because I know what my purpose is..to be a mother. I don't know where to turn from here. This isn't the life I planned. My life plan is off course and not being able to control it is so hard for me. I can't let go of not being a mom. I can't deal with the realization that I may not give my parents another grandchild, that I won't see what Eric and I could create....How do I get closure? How do I move on?