I didn't want to jump the gun and write too much before knowing exactly what was going on but now I have a clear picture. My blood test came back last Friday with my beta HCG being a level of 62 which meant I was pregnant (usually anything over 50 is good) so mine was a little low. They like to see this # double every 48-72 hours so I had to go back on Monday for another blood test. This came back at 142 and the nurse said it wasn't bad but they would have liked to have seen at least 160 but I was to go again on Wed for another test. The level on Wed. came back at 196 and the nurse said that they were nervous. My levels were low and not doubling as they would like. She said this typically signals an ectopic pregnancy or a non viable pregnancy and I would have an early loss as I have had before. She wanted me to go in today for an ultrasound and bloodwork since I was 5 weeks. At five weeks you typically are able to see a sac on the ultrasound which can rule out an ectopic meaning this would be an abnormal uterine pregnancy. The dr. was unable to locate a sac so they are waiting to see what my levels come back at this afternoon. I have to go back on Monday to see if he can see anything. If not he will more than likely have to give me a shot that will release it out of my tube or if he sees a sac I will have to wait it out.
It is such heartache. I almost would have rather had a negative test than get my hopes up that it would have worked this time. The waiting and waiting is simply awful. This is exactly what happened a year and a half ago on Mother's Day. I knew I was going to lose it and there was nothing I could do but wait. I asked the dr. whether having these early losses is a whole other issue and he said usually when a loss is this early it is due to a chromosone issue and he feels I should be able to have a normal pregnancy. My question is whether I even want to go down this road again. After 11 IUIs and 1 IVF attempt I am physically and emotionally spent. People have said you only tried it once but that is from those who never went through this and can never fully understand how difficult this is. You are under a microscope and know every thing your body is doing which can be good and bad. It prepares you for the worst but at the same time you can't stop it.
I definitely will take time off. I need to let my body have a break from all that I've been doing to it and just relax. So much of our marriage has been focused and consumed by this that I don't want to look back and regret not living life. I am deeply saddened but I've been down this road before and have been ok. I have a loving family, supportive husband and great friends who make me see all that I do have in my life to be thankful for. I would love to share it all with a child but maybe biologically I am unable to be a mom and can find some other way to share it.