Almost a year

I cannot believe that in less than a month my baby is turning a year old. And I realize that I haven't been too diligent in keeping up with this blog. The past year has been indescribable. Challenging at times but simply amazing. Gavin is becoming such a little man. He is a sponge that literally soaks up something new every day. He is crawling everywhere and has started to cruise along the couches. Still hesitant to take some steps but I have a feeling that will change very soon. He is fearless which means I cannot let him out of my sight for a second. Today he climbed halfway up the stairs (with me right behind him) to get a much desired cat toy. He has 4 teeth on top and 4 on the bottom and I think a molar is slowly making it's appearance (hence the crankiness). In January he came down with an awful cold/respiratory infection/RSV. It was a scary time. He ended up in the ER due to low oxygen levels and breathing issues. He was on a nebulizer for months and still is experiencing loud breathing. He has been to 2 pulmonologists and we still have no diffinitive answers as to the cause of his loud breathing. One dr. is leaning towards allergies and basically said I need to chill. Hard for me to do especially as a first time mom. He is thriving though in every way so the drs. don't seem concerned. He has yet to find a food he doesn't like. His new thing is to scream when the food stops coming. I swear he is an endless pit. He is babbling a few words here and there, waving, clapping. I am trying to break him of his paci (hate) obsession because I think it may be hindering him talking more. I say to him you don't need that stinky binky and he hands it to me. Of course there are days like today when he was super needy and cried every time I put him down and tried to do something real fast that it came in handy. I am hoping this sudden phase of crying ends soon. Real soon! He is weighing in a little over 24 pounds and is about 29 inches long. He has evened out and has leveled out. Eric and Gavin are doing a Saturday morning swim class at the Y which he loves. He loves water of any sort. We bought a blow up baby pool and he loves, loves, loves it along with his new swingset. I don't know where this past year has gone. I feel like I blinked my eyes and here we are almost a year later. I see what people mean now when they say how fast it goes.

Blessed

Every day I want to pinch myself because I still can't believe Gavin is really here. After all we went through I can't stop feeling incredibly blessed. It pains me to see others take their children for granted and I hope I never do. I have to say I'm not sure if it's because of our journey but Gavin is such a happy go lucky baby. I'm also hoping I didn't just jinx myself! I definitely have the mommy guilt and hope that I am doing things right. When I see the constant smile on his face it gives me a little reassurance that I am. Of course there are still some people who want to put their two cents in and say how things should be but I'm doing with feels right for us and so far things have been working out ok.
Gavin officially has 2 teeth on the bottom and 3 are SLOWLY making their presence known on the top. We had a few rougher nights when I think he was in pain and extra needy. He is sitting up on his own now (with a pillow behind his head...just in case). He isn't crawling yet but does do a 360 turn on his belly and pushes across the floor backwards on his belly. He has definitely found his voice and loves to scream. He puts a smile on my face every single day and the best is hearing him giggle at things such as a cough or hiccup. He lets out such belly laughs and they are the greatest! My in-laws bought him a car that you push him in for xmas and he loves it. He sits there with one arm on the wheel and one arm on the back as though he is cruising for the ladies. He's going to be a heartbreaker! Developmentally he seems right on track. Weighs in at about 22 pounds but is a tall boy too. He started off big and his weight seems to be leveling off now that he is more active. He loves playing with all his toys and I am amazed that he is already able to pick up how his toys actually work.
We started him on solid foods and he LOVES them which I didn't doubt he would. I'm still nursing him and while I would love to stick out until he is a year I am not sure how long I'll go. It's a much different ballgame when teeth are involved. Ouch! Sleep is going ok. Naps could be better. Unfortunately he sleeps the best while napping on me which I've found to be a hard habit to break. I keep telling myself that soon enough he isn't going to want his mommy to hold him so I'm taking advantage of it while I can. I have him on a flexible schedule and some days he is in agreement and other days he is not!
I'm just enjoying watching him evolve into this little man. I am loving motherhood. It has it's challenges but it is the most rewarding experience I've ever had.

Where has the time gone?

Wow, I can't believe it's been 5 months since Gavin was born. The time is going by so quickly and I wish I could slow it down. The little man amazes me each and every day and I am so in love. He makes me smile all the time. I am loving motherhood. It has been the hardest, most challenging and most rewarding job I have ever had and I cannot imagine going through life not experiencing this.
He is a healthy boy weighing in now at around 22 pounds and 26+ inches long. I am amazed at how many strangers would come up to me, ask his age and proceed to tell me how huge he is. I'm getting better at not letting their comments get to me and realize that he is a healthy, big boy. He has consistently been in the 95th percentile or higher for weight and length even when he was born. His drs. aren't concerned since he has consistently been in that percentile. I was worried that his size would delay his reaching certain milestones. While he is not too interested in rolling over he is now sitting up on his own, pushing up, talking up a storm and in general is a very happy go lucky little guy. He is always smiling and for the most part not a big crier (although as I sit and type this he has woken up twice already from going down for bed which is a rarity and is crying). He is cutting 2 teeth (which could explain his waking up and fussines). He is definitely finding his voice. He loves screaming at the top of his lungs and then laughing. He screams and talks so much during the day that he is now wearing himself out. We recently started him on rice cereal which he is loving. The drs. recommended waiting until 6 months to start solids because they believe there is a lesser chance of developing allergies. So we started at 5 months and are going to slowly introduce new foods. He loves being outside in the fresh air and up until the weather got colder we would take daily walks. He unfortunately has outgrown his infant seat which most babies fit in up until at least 9 months so we had to buy a new carseat. I loved being able to pop the seat out with him in it and carry it so this will be an adjustment having to actually take him out now. It's going to suck more when he has fallen asleep especially now that the weather is colder.
I am looking forward to watching him grow and mature into a little boy. I wish I could freeze time some days. I love watching him with Eric and wish they had more time together. He has brought more joy into my life than I thought possible and I truly feel life is complete. I would take this journey all over again just to wake up to his smiles every morning.

The "G" Man has arrived

My official due date, June 13, came and went with no sign of Gavin...everyone I knew who was due after me had their baby which was hard! I just wanted to see him already! I went to the dr. the Thursday after my due date and I was still only 1cm dialated so she wanted to induce me. She said we could do Friday if there was a slot or Monday. When she said Friday I sort of freaked out. I knew the day was here and the inevitable was going to happen and I was scared. The hospital didn't have room until Tuesday morning. On Monday night I went to the hospital at 6:30pm so they could insert the gel to start induction. It took a good hour and a half because Gavin's heartrate was sporadic and they needed it to stabilize. Finally by 8:00pm they were able to insert it. They monitored me and him until 9pm and sent me home since I was 1cm and had no reaction. When I got home I started having mild cramping which is normal. By 11pm I was in bed and felt a POP...my water broke. I called the dr. and they said to come back...why they didn't just keep me in the first place?!? So we went back and I was now 3 cm. I laid there for a couple of hours and the contractions started to increase. They were waiting for a L and D room to open since it was a busy night. Once I was in the room I couldn't take the pain and requested an epidural. I was petrified about getting this but it really wasn't bad at all. Once that was in the pain subsided and I tried to get some rest. I did have a bad reaction to the medicine and threw up when it was increased. I tried to sleep for most of the day to prepare for what was to come. By 3pm on Tuesday, June 23 the dr. checked me and I was totally dialated plus 1 and fully effaced. It was time to push!!! My sister-in-law was with Eric and I and was an incredible help. Between Eric and Jill I was able to stay relatively calm and peaceful. Everytime a contraction came on I would push. I pushed for 3 hours. The nurse kept saying I was making progress and she could see his head. I just needed to get it over the bone. Then the dr. would check me and say I wasn't any different from before! ARGH! At this point I was exhausted from lack of sleep and from pushing for 3 hours. The dr. said a C-section would be my best option. I told Eric going into the hospital that this would be how it would all play out and low and behold it was. They increased the pain killers again since they decreased it so I could feel when I needed to push. This made me throw up again. They wheeled me into the OR and prepped me for the C. The whole thing took less than 30 minutes and at 7:01 Gavin entered the world. He weighed in at 10 pounds, 4 ounces and was 22 inches long. I heard him cry and the tears started to flow. They thought he may have had an infection and his blood sugar level was low so they had to whisk him away. Jill was able to bring him over to me to see him before they did this. The medication and hormones made me shake uncontrollably so I wasn't able to hold him. I went to the PACU and at 11pm I was finally able to see my son and hold him. It was simply incredible. Eric and I stayed in the hospital until Friday and requested to leave a day early. The nurses weren't that helpful and at that point I was ready to go home and get us all settled.
The first few days/nights were definitely an adjustment. I don't think anything can prepare you physically or mentally to be a parent. The lack of sleep has been hard but we are adjusting. Breastfeeding has been going well. He had his first checkup and he has put weight on. He is almost back to his birth weight which surprised the dr. It was nice to know I'm doing something right! Everytime I look at him I am simply in awe. I can't believe he is really here and after all these years feel so blessed to finally be a mom. It's an feeling I can't even describe...truly a miracle and a blessing.

Less than a week! How crazy!

So my due date is less than a week away. I'm having a flood of different emotions. Nerves are kicking in more but so is the excitement. In a way it is bittersweet. Part of me realizes that this could potentially be my only pregnancy and I am just so grateful that I was able to experience this. I'm so shocked at how many people are asking when we will try again and that we can't just "have an only child". I guess some family and friends don't remember that it took almost 6 years to get to this point. My concern is getting him here safe and healthy...not about having another child! My heart breaks for my friends who continue to struggle with infertility. It is just so unfair that they are struggling when so many others do not and so many others take for granted being pregnant without even "trying". If they only knew how blessed they truly were....what is hard as well is without the support of these friends I wouldn't be where I am today. They stuck by me and helped me up when times were so hard. I can't even find the words to say thank you...they know who they are....thank you, thank you, thank you.
Right now I'm just waiting. Waiting for him to make his appearance. My appt. last week didn't show much progress and I go again this Wednesday. I guess when he is ready he'll let me know! I feel good overall. Still a little swollen but if that is the worst of it I'll take it. Sleeping is what it is...no comfortable way but a little sleep is better than none! Plus, it is preparing me for the feedings every 2 hours.
Hopefully the next time I write he'll be here. Just praying all goes well, he is ok and I'm ok. Guess that is all I can ask for at this point! Stay tuned!!

The final stretch....

I can't believe that I am in the final month. The weeks were feeling like they were moving slowly but these past 2-3 weeks have seemed to fly by. My due date is June 13 so less than 4 weeks to go. Crazy!!
Eric and I completed the childbirth class along with the breast feeding class and survived (I knew I would-he was questionable)! I am feeling excited to meet Gavin but definitely have some anxiety at the same time. I am nervous about the pain of labor and the unknown. Part of the downfall of being home is my unlimited access to the Internet. I need to stop reading articles! I just need to know that he is healthy...that is my biggest wish...to have a healthy, bouncy boy. They say that there are increased risks of birth defects in babies conceived through IVF which is where some of that fear is coming from and the risks are increased in boys for some reason. But, we've gotten this far so I just need to keep the faith!
I've been keeping busy washing all his clothes, towels, sheets-everything! Eric started back to work which was a blessing! I think he is the only one who actually benefited from this recession. He got a higher paying job, a higher position and I know his favorite...a corner office. Go Eric! :) I really admire how persistent he was and his strength over these past months. It was scary at times with us both being out of work and having a baby on the way but I truly believe things happen for a reason and things fell into place for him (and all for the best).
Things otherwise have been progressing well. I'm experiencing a lot of swelling in my hands and ankles and the sleepless nights are a given. I've gotten on a pretty routine schedule of getting up every 2 hours to use the bathroom so getting up to breastfeed shouldn't come as that much of a shock to my body! I did end up back in Labor and Delivery a couple of weeks ago. I was running around and the one thing I've been bad with is drinking water. I ended up dehydrated and was having contractions. They gave me an IV of fluid and the contractions subsided. He wasn't as active for a day or 2 but that has certainly picked up again. My dr. appts are now weekly and she is pretty sure he is face down. I feel his little foot or arm poking my right side on a hourly basis. So awesome but so odd at the same time. To know that there is a life inside of me is indescribable. I just never in my wildest dreams imagined that this would be something I would ever experience! So now I'm just waiting. All packed and ready to meet the little man!!

The third and FINAL trimester! Yea!

I am approaching 30 weeks and am now in the third and final trimester. Yea!! Things for the most part have been going smoothly...at least with the pregnancy! We've hit a few bumps along the way since the start of 2009 with both Eric and I being laid off. Eric found a new job and 2 days later I lost mine. He most recently (as of yesterday) was let go again. I swear the poor guy can't win. If anyone is looking for a hard worker with a great marketing background and MBA let me know! While it is not the most ideal situation with a baby on the way we are trying to stay calm and positive especially since we've waited so long for this blessing to occur. Trying not to let anything bring our excitement of being parents down.
I had my bi-weekly check up on Monday. His heartrate was a strong 150, my blood pressure was good (120/80) and he is measuring right on track. I asked the dr. if she could estimate his size but she said it was not accurate. If he is anything like his father I am in trouble. Eric weighed over 9 pounds (I envision a baby with a BIG head!). Sorry Er... My glucose test came back clear but I did end up with a bladder infection (that the dr. didn't notify me about for almost 2 weeks...one of my handful of frustrations with the practice I go to. Plan on switching after he is born). For the most part the unbearable symptoms have passed such as the nausea but they have brought along new symptoms. The stuffy nose still exists along with leg cramps that jolt me awake at night. They feel similar to a Charlie Horse in your calf but radiate from the top of my legs all the way down. If I catch Eric awake at night (which isn't unusual since I apparently snore real loud) he usually rubs my legs. Having been a stomach sleeper for years I have not had a good night sleep in months. I just cannot get comfortable sleeping on my side and with the congestion I turn from side to side depending on which side I can actually breath on. I never realized how difficult carrying some extra pounds would make the simplest things such as getting out of bed and tying my shoes become. Wouldn't trade it for the world but no one really tells you all that your body is going to succumb to when pregnant. Baby G is moving all around. His pattern seems to be early in the morning usually between 6 and 9 and after dinner from 7-10. He sometimes snoozes during the day but other times he is flipping around in the afternoon. It is the weirdest thing to see your belly moving all around like an alien is inside. At first it freaked Eric out but at night I have him put his hand on my stomach so he can feel his son move....so cool!
The nursery is almost done being painted and the furniture arrives on Friday. I am very excited to see everything pulled together! I can't believe it's April already and I only have about 2 and a half months to go. I am so excited to meet the little man and get to know him....

It's a BOY!!

We had our 20 week ultrasound and we found out we are having a BOY!! It was much more of an emotional experience than I expected. As soon as she said it's a boy tears came down my cheek. Everyone I know with the exception of my in-laws said they thought I was having a girl so I was pretty convinced I was. I know that while Eric would have been excited either way deep down he wanted a son. About a year ago while in the midst of failed fertility treatment my mother-in-law had said to me not to worry. She had a preminition that I was going to have a baby and it was going to be a boy. At least Eric and I don't have to fight over a name. We both agreed on a boy's name!
Yesterday we went shopping and ended up finding furniture that we love. It is by Bonavita (www.bonavita.com) and it is the Peyton collection in expresso. We also found a glider/swivel chair by Best Chairs Inc. It is a storytime chair and was incredibly comfortable. We got it in a microsuede fabric that is a chocolate brown. We also found our nursery pattern at Target of all places (and dirt cheap)! It is http://www.target.com/DwellStudio-Target-Bedding-Collection-Circles/dp/B000VP9JGA/sr=1-10/qid=1232402701/ref=sr_1_10/179-9667834-5126061?ie=UTF8&index=target&rh=k%3ADwell%20Studio%20circle&page=1.
We are going to paint the room a taupe brown with blue accent wall. I can hardly wait!

I'm officially 19 weeks today and half way through. I had my third prenatal appointment on Thursday night and all went well. The heartbeat is 156 and my blood pressure is normal. My only concern is the weight gain but I'm starting to walk again which I had put on hold for the past 3-4 months and I realize I need to watch my diet. The dr. wasn't concerned but I know that the more I put on, the more I have to take off!
The nausea has subsided. I do have some moments of it but it seems to come on more when I haven't had anything to eat. I'm trying to adjust to all the changes my body is now going through. We finally bought a humidifier so I'm not as congested at night as I had been and not waking up with bloody noses every morning. My growing belly is taking some getting used to. I guess some women feel comfortable in their skin while others don't. I'm not feeling so comfortable right now. I'm not used to being this weight but I know it's worth it in the end. I feel bloated and puffy all over and my love of salty foods I know isn't helping my cause! I've started experiencing leg cramps at night, almost like a Charlie Horse but higher up on my leg. I'm sleeping a little better but still feeling tired throughout the day. Other than that it really has been somewhat of a smooth pregnancy symptomwise.
We go on Thursday afternoon for my next ultrasound and hope to find out what we are having. The census is a girl although my father-in-law claims it is a boy and says he is never wrong. I'm so anxious and excited and hope all looks well!

It's been awhile....

I didn't realize how long it has been since I last posted. Part of me still thinks I am going to "jinx" things even though I am considered out of the danger zone of the first trimester. This weekend will mark 16 weeks and I'm officially in the second trimester. Things have been progressing well. I went for an ultrasound at 12.5 weeks and everything was measuring normal (actually 3 days ahead). I had my second prenatal appointment on 12/18 and the heartbeat was 158-160 which was good. I was even able to tape it on my cell phone. I go again on 1/20 where we hope to find out what we are having.
I am starting to feel a little better. The nausea subsided for a couple of weeks but seems to be coming back. Not as strong as before but pangs of it here and there. My new struggle has been the frequent trips to the bathroom which have seemed to increase. It has made getting a good night sleep difficult. I think I am up every 2 hours and once I fall asleep I'm only woken up to have to go again. And at work with our bathroom being all the way down the hall hasn't made it easy. I guess if this is the worst so far I really shouldn't complain. I'm just feeling very tired and not feeling like I am catching up on much needed rest (I guess it's preparing me for the next umpteen years and what being a mom will be like!). I am feeling very blessed especially at this time of year. I want to pinch myself because I am still in disbelief that my wish may finally come true. I have been blessed with a beautiful family, wonderful husband, great friends and a baby on the way. It really seems to good to be true! I pray that everything continues on this path and June gets here fast!

I didn't want to jump the gun and write too much before knowing exactly what was going on but now I have a clear picture. My blood test came back last Friday with my beta HCG being a level of 62 which meant I was pregnant (usually anything over 50 is good) so mine was a little low. They like to see this # double every 48-72 hours so I had to go back on Monday for another blood test. This came back at 142 and the nurse said it wasn't bad but they would have liked to have seen at least 160 but I was to go again on Wed for another test. The level on Wed. came back at 196 and the nurse said that they were nervous. My levels were low and not doubling as they would like. She said this typically signals an ectopic pregnancy or a non viable pregnancy and I would have an early loss as I have had before. She wanted me to go in today for an ultrasound and bloodwork since I was 5 weeks. At five weeks you typically are able to see a sac on the ultrasound which can rule out an ectopic meaning this would be an abnormal uterine pregnancy. The dr. was unable to locate a sac so they are waiting to see what my levels come back at this afternoon. I have to go back on Monday to see if he can see anything. If not he will more than likely have to give me a shot that will release it out of my tube or if he sees a sac I will have to wait it out.
It is such heartache. I almost would have rather had a negative test than get my hopes up that it would have worked this time. The waiting and waiting is simply awful. This is exactly what happened a year and a half ago on Mother's Day. I knew I was going to lose it and there was nothing I could do but wait. I asked the dr. whether having these early losses is a whole other issue and he said usually when a loss is this early it is due to a chromosone issue and he feels I should be able to have a normal pregnancy. My question is whether I even want to go down this road again. After 11 IUIs and 1 IVF attempt I am physically and emotionally spent. People have said you only tried it once but that is from those who never went through this and can never fully understand how difficult this is. You are under a microscope and know every thing your body is doing which can be good and bad. It prepares you for the worst but at the same time you can't stop it.
I definitely will take time off. I need to let my body have a break from all that I've been doing to it and just relax. So much of our marriage has been focused and consumed by this that I don't want to look back and regret not living life. I am deeply saddened but I've been down this road before and have been ok. I have a loving family, supportive husband and great friends who make me see all that I do have in my life to be thankful for. I would love to share it all with a child but maybe biologically I am unable to be a mom and can find some other way to share it.

Whoever said that the 2 week wait was the worst part was not lying. I took it easy last week. I did get up and do some things but for the most part tried to lay down. Eric kept telling me to go lay down but I was getting bored and antsy. He has been great. He has been cooking and cleaning and totally pampering me (which is what he does all the time so it wasn't that different!). He has been helping me with the shots. We have a system going where I insert the needle and because it is progesterone in oil and thick he injects it. I'm very proud of him. There were a few times where I was bleeding quite a bit and it didn't even phase him. Usually you say the word blood and he's down on the ground! So we conquered his fear in this process!
The waiting is torture. I have been cramping on and off and it is very unsettling. I keep thinking my cycle is about to start and wonder if I didn't lay down enough or did something wrong. I called the nurse a couple of times (yes, this has made me paranoid) and she reassures me that cramping can be normal. She said for as many people who cramp there are just as many who do not. I have to remind myself of all that my body has gone through from the retrieval to the transfer. I am hoping that the cramping is due to the embryos implanting and keep telling Eric that maybe all THREE are digging in. I don't know if I would feel more unsettled if I didn't feel anything. I'm just very nervous about the phone call on Friday with our results.
I have to say that I don't think I could have made it through this without the support of friends, family and Eric. Even when talking with others going through it we never talk about the impact that it has on those around us. I have seen relationships fall apart because it is so taxing. It becomes such an act month after month and it is hard not to let it consume you and take over. It definitely takes away any spontaneity in the romance department when everything is planned sometimes hour by hour! I truly believe that while it has challenged Eric and I it has only helped to make our bond that much stronger. I know it has been difficult for Eric to understand the emotions that I've felt. When it's not your body going through it I can imagine it is hard to completely understand. He is not one for emotion and many times I've called him "the wall". His gut reaction if I am crying is to make me stop because it makes him uncomfortable and uneasy that he can't take my pain away. But at the same time he has held my hand this whole time and has been my rock. I am truly grateful for him. We continue to nourish our relationship and I am thankful that we have made it to where we are today.
I am off for this week and plan on taking it easy. I went to acupuncture again today and she said if I feel cramping to take it easy and lay down. Hopefully it is a good sign and in a few days I'll know for sure.
I am so thankful for all the well wishes sent my way. This is what has helped me on my journey...thank you.........

I got the call this morning that the embryologist did not suggest waiting to day 5 and they wanted to do the transfer this morning. I had to empty my bladder and start drinking a liter of water. For those of you who know me well this was torture. I have the bladder of an 80 year old and the thought of not being able to go made me more nervous...thus, having to go even more! So we made it to the doctor's office at 9:15. The nurse checked my bladder to make sure it was full and it was! The dr. then came in with a picture of my embryos. There were 2 that were 7 cells and 1 that was 8cells. They were also grade 1. They also had 2 that were 5 cells and 1 that was 7 cells along with one that they were continuing to watch. They are freezing the 3 and possibly the fourth. The dr. asked how many we wanted to transfer. Eric wanted to do 2 but I thought since we came this far I wanted to do all 3 and we did. The process went smoothly. It definitely was uncomfortable due to the full bladder but it was manageable. The real waiting now begins. I go on Oct. 3 for the bloodtest that will tell if it worked! They said my lining looked good so they just need to implant. I know they can do it!!! I go again for acupuncture tomorrow and Thursday to help with my lining and implantation. :)

The embryologist called this morning. I have 3 follicles with 2 cells, 3 with 4 cells and 1 with 5 cells. They like to see them at 6-8 before transfer. I am tentatively scheduled for tomorrow morning for the transfer but they need to see what they will do overnight. Hopefully the ones that are 4 will be 8 and the one that is 5 will be 10. Still the waiting game. I went to acupuncture tonight which is supposed to help relax your uterus and assist with implantation. I've even gotten my mom to go to help with her back pain. Won't know much until they call in the morning.
Started the progesterone shots. I decided to just do it myself because I knew I needed to control the needle which is this big -------------------- and thick rather than have Eric or my mom do it. It is sore on my right side but tonight I did my left side and had no problems. I think the key is NOT icing it first because it is sesame oil and thick. Not icing helps to dissipate it better.
Still crossing my fingers, trying to be positive and nurturing my body the best I can! Time will tell!

The retrieval went well. I was definitely nervous the night before and the morning of but I think the anticipation was the worst. I was out for about 10 minutes. The dr. was able to retrieve 11 eggs. The embryologist called this morning and out of the 11 eggs 8 of them were mature. They all fertilized which she said was good that I had a 100% fertilization rate. The 8th one that fertilized though fertilized abnormally so I am working with 7. They have split so they continue to watch them over the next day. I'm not all that sure about this process and what has to occur. I think they have to continue to divide. They will call me tomorrow with an update and if there is a transfer it will be either Tuesday or Thursday. It is hard for them to tell me anything concrete because they don't know what will transpire but she said my age is a good factor. I am hoping that out of the 7 I will have at least 2 to transfer back. I'll go to acupuncture the night before the transfer and then the 2 days after it. She said it helps relax the uterus which helps with implantation.
Tonight I start the progesterone shot which I am stressing about big time! Even after everything I've put my body through you'd think this wouldn't scare me. The needle is just so enormous compared to others I've done and it has to go into your butt muscle. The size of the needle is enough to make me cry, 1 1/2 inches and it is a thick needle! I talked to the nurse. She said the first time is nerve wracking but most find once they do it they are ok. I've talked to others...they say it hurts. I know this is the next step in the process and I want to know I did all I could. I was going to have Eric or my mom administer it but I think I'd be more tense not knowing when it was going to go in. I'm going to try and do it myself. Hopefully it won't hurt...too much!

What a difference a day makes! I should have listened to Eric when he said calm down and don't stress out. I went this morning and my follicles went from 10mm to between 14 and 18mm. I have about 5 on my left side and 2 small ones on my right side (this side never seems to react to the stims the same way). This explains all the discomfort I was feeling yesterday! They were doing their job and working hard! So tonight was my last night of the stims and my belly thanks me. The 4 shots a day were definitely taking a toll and leaving me with a very sore stomach. They wanted to give me one more day to give some of the slower follicles a chance to grow more. They like to see them at about 16mm prior to the retrieval because it gives them the best chance of having a mature egg. I take the HCG shot tomorrow night which triggers you to ovulate and then the retrieval will be on Saturday morning. My hope is that best case scenario is all 7 will have an egg and they'll be able to fertilize 2-3. I'm not sure if I'll have anything to freeze. The dr. did not think so. So it is still a waiting game but I'm still moving forward which I am happy about. Just crossing my fingers that I'll have something to put back in next week!

I had an ultrasound and bw this morning. I left in tears....the nurse could only find 5 follicles and they didn't seem to grow at the rate expected given I am on the highest dose of stims they can give. What upset me too is that the nurse is doing the ultrasound. I really expect the dr. to be doing them. I had asked her about the possibility of the cycle being canceled and the way she reacted left me to believe there was a good chance. For them to go in to do a retrieval they like your follicles to at least be 16-18mm. Mine were behind. I left feeling defeated. I decided to call the dr. and speak with him directly. He called me back with more hopeful news. He said that my estrogen level went from 165 to 631 and the "response was promising". He told me that I had 3 follicles that were 10mm, 2 that were 9mm and one that was 8mm. He is hoping by my next appt on Wed. that they will grow to about 15 and they may trigger me with the HCG shot (this allows you to ovulate 36 hours later) on Thursday night with a retrieval on Sat. He wants to keep me on the same dose as well and said that the dr. will do my next ultrasound. This is his ideal situation but we'll have to wait to see what my body does. My hope is that I'll have 5-6 good follicles, that they will retrieve an egg from each and at least 2 will fertilize for the transfer. Everyone keeps saying it is quality over quantity and it only takes one. Today was definitely a more emotional day for me. It is hard for me to not be in control and the unknown is hard. Harder is knowing that this is what my body does and how it responds to the medication. I'm not sure trying IVF more than once will help because I do not have a good reaction to the stims. I know I am jumping the gun and need to stay positive for Wednesday. Things could make a turn and I may be on a good path. The waiting is the worst. On top of that I had to fight with the drug company to get the discount I was told I'd get. It felt like one thing after another today! I'm crossing my fingers. I need more baby dust!

I had a dr. appointment on Monday and they had difficulty finding my ovaries. They usually have trouble locating my left one because it tucks itself behind my uterus but this time the nurse had trouble finding both. The dr. had to come in and she had success.
I had another ultrasound and bloodwork this morning. While I am trying so hard to be positive and hopeful I thought that today would show more than it did especially with such a high dose of stims that I am taking. They found 2 small follicles on the right and 4 very small follicles on the left. The dr. said that given my past response to meds that she wasn't surprised because I am a low responder. From others that I've talked to they have had 15-25 follicles. I am just feeling down because I want to go in with the best case scenario. I understand that it only takes one egg. I am fearful that if I am only going in with a potential of 6 which may not all be viable that I may not have anything to transfer. I am continuing on the same dose and am scheduled to go back again on Monday. I'm continuing with the acupuncture as well. I think today is the first day in awhile that I've truly felt down. I still feel guilty for spending thousands of dollars without a guarantee and it's hard knowing my body is doing what it is doing. As my husband said if there was a guarantee everyone would be doing it...

All went well this morning. The hysteroscopy was clear. There was nothing in my uterus and the openings to my fallopian tubes were clear. I didn't have any polyps or scar tissue that he could see. For some reason he decided to do another endometrial biopsy which was a lot more uncomfortable than the first time...maybe because I wasn't prepared for it! It felt like he yanked my insides out! The hysteroscopy was definitely more uncomfortable than I thought it would be but didn't take too long. I think if it had I would have passed out! I felt a little light headed afterwards but they put you in recovery for 15 minutes to make sure you are all ok. I'm a little crampy but that is about it. So now I move forward. I stop the birth control pill tonight and go on Monday for my ultrasound and bloodwork and will start the micro Lupron.

My hysteroscopy is tomorrow morning. I am a little anxious but I don't think it will be too bad. Compared with everything else my body has gone through it should be able to handle this too!
I had my nurse consult last week. I take the birth control pill tonight and tomorrow and then I am done. I go on Monday, 9/8 for my first ultrasound and bloodwork and I start the micro lupron. She doesn't want me to be on Lupron the month before because it will shut down my system too much. The way she is doing it should prevent me from ovulating on my own and still allow them to "control" my system. On 9/9 I will start 600 ius of Gonal F. So I will have to do 4 shots total a day which I am nervous about. I am used to 2 a day but 4 sounds more daunting to me. I'll do a shot of the Lupron and 300 ius of the Gonal F in the morning and repeat this at night. My stomach is going to look like a pin cushion I'm sure! I should do the shots for roughly 10 days and then they will probably have me trigger with the HCG. 36 hours after the HCG shot I will go in for the retrieval. They will put me under and retrieve the eggs. They will fertilize the eggs (hopefully I'll have enough!) and they keep a watch for a couple of days. They will then transfer back the embryos that are viable by a process similar to an IUI (artificial insemination) and the waiting game (which I will assume is the worst part of this whole process) begins. 2 weeks to wait and they will do a bloodtest. I am continuing with the acupuncture and they will also have me starting the progesterone shots (I am used to the pill so this should be fun). It has to go in your muscle above your butt so my mom will probably help with this. Eric would be on the floor if I asked him to do it!
I am trying to be as mentally prepared as possible. I am trying not to think of the possibility of it not working because I am concerned about how I will get through that period. It is so difficult when you know in your heart of hearts that you were meant to be a mom and having to face the realization that it may not happen. It is hard for me to focus and think of anything else because in all honestly I just don't care about anything else right now.....
Please say a prayer...maybe more so for Eric than me because I know once I start those hormones he may need it more! ;)