It's been awhile....

I didn't realize how long it has been since I last posted. Part of me still thinks I am going to "jinx" things even though I am considered out of the danger zone of the first trimester. This weekend will mark 16 weeks and I'm officially in the second trimester. Things have been progressing well. I went for an ultrasound at 12.5 weeks and everything was measuring normal (actually 3 days ahead). I had my second prenatal appointment on 12/18 and the heartbeat was 158-160 which was good. I was even able to tape it on my cell phone. I go again on 1/20 where we hope to find out what we are having.
I am starting to feel a little better. The nausea subsided for a couple of weeks but seems to be coming back. Not as strong as before but pangs of it here and there. My new struggle has been the frequent trips to the bathroom which have seemed to increase. It has made getting a good night sleep difficult. I think I am up every 2 hours and once I fall asleep I'm only woken up to have to go again. And at work with our bathroom being all the way down the hall hasn't made it easy. I guess if this is the worst so far I really shouldn't complain. I'm just feeling very tired and not feeling like I am catching up on much needed rest (I guess it's preparing me for the next umpteen years and what being a mom will be like!). I am feeling very blessed especially at this time of year. I want to pinch myself because I am still in disbelief that my wish may finally come true. I have been blessed with a beautiful family, wonderful husband, great friends and a baby on the way. It really seems to good to be true! I pray that everything continues on this path and June gets here fast!

I didn't want to jump the gun and write too much before knowing exactly what was going on but now I have a clear picture. My blood test came back last Friday with my beta HCG being a level of 62 which meant I was pregnant (usually anything over 50 is good) so mine was a little low. They like to see this # double every 48-72 hours so I had to go back on Monday for another blood test. This came back at 142 and the nurse said it wasn't bad but they would have liked to have seen at least 160 but I was to go again on Wed for another test. The level on Wed. came back at 196 and the nurse said that they were nervous. My levels were low and not doubling as they would like. She said this typically signals an ectopic pregnancy or a non viable pregnancy and I would have an early loss as I have had before. She wanted me to go in today for an ultrasound and bloodwork since I was 5 weeks. At five weeks you typically are able to see a sac on the ultrasound which can rule out an ectopic meaning this would be an abnormal uterine pregnancy. The dr. was unable to locate a sac so they are waiting to see what my levels come back at this afternoon. I have to go back on Monday to see if he can see anything. If not he will more than likely have to give me a shot that will release it out of my tube or if he sees a sac I will have to wait it out.
It is such heartache. I almost would have rather had a negative test than get my hopes up that it would have worked this time. The waiting and waiting is simply awful. This is exactly what happened a year and a half ago on Mother's Day. I knew I was going to lose it and there was nothing I could do but wait. I asked the dr. whether having these early losses is a whole other issue and he said usually when a loss is this early it is due to a chromosone issue and he feels I should be able to have a normal pregnancy. My question is whether I even want to go down this road again. After 11 IUIs and 1 IVF attempt I am physically and emotionally spent. People have said you only tried it once but that is from those who never went through this and can never fully understand how difficult this is. You are under a microscope and know every thing your body is doing which can be good and bad. It prepares you for the worst but at the same time you can't stop it.
I definitely will take time off. I need to let my body have a break from all that I've been doing to it and just relax. So much of our marriage has been focused and consumed by this that I don't want to look back and regret not living life. I am deeply saddened but I've been down this road before and have been ok. I have a loving family, supportive husband and great friends who make me see all that I do have in my life to be thankful for. I would love to share it all with a child but maybe biologically I am unable to be a mom and can find some other way to share it.

Whoever said that the 2 week wait was the worst part was not lying. I took it easy last week. I did get up and do some things but for the most part tried to lay down. Eric kept telling me to go lay down but I was getting bored and antsy. He has been great. He has been cooking and cleaning and totally pampering me (which is what he does all the time so it wasn't that different!). He has been helping me with the shots. We have a system going where I insert the needle and because it is progesterone in oil and thick he injects it. I'm very proud of him. There were a few times where I was bleeding quite a bit and it didn't even phase him. Usually you say the word blood and he's down on the ground! So we conquered his fear in this process!
The waiting is torture. I have been cramping on and off and it is very unsettling. I keep thinking my cycle is about to start and wonder if I didn't lay down enough or did something wrong. I called the nurse a couple of times (yes, this has made me paranoid) and she reassures me that cramping can be normal. She said for as many people who cramp there are just as many who do not. I have to remind myself of all that my body has gone through from the retrieval to the transfer. I am hoping that the cramping is due to the embryos implanting and keep telling Eric that maybe all THREE are digging in. I don't know if I would feel more unsettled if I didn't feel anything. I'm just very nervous about the phone call on Friday with our results.
I have to say that I don't think I could have made it through this without the support of friends, family and Eric. Even when talking with others going through it we never talk about the impact that it has on those around us. I have seen relationships fall apart because it is so taxing. It becomes such an act month after month and it is hard not to let it consume you and take over. It definitely takes away any spontaneity in the romance department when everything is planned sometimes hour by hour! I truly believe that while it has challenged Eric and I it has only helped to make our bond that much stronger. I know it has been difficult for Eric to understand the emotions that I've felt. When it's not your body going through it I can imagine it is hard to completely understand. He is not one for emotion and many times I've called him "the wall". His gut reaction if I am crying is to make me stop because it makes him uncomfortable and uneasy that he can't take my pain away. But at the same time he has held my hand this whole time and has been my rock. I am truly grateful for him. We continue to nourish our relationship and I am thankful that we have made it to where we are today.
I am off for this week and plan on taking it easy. I went to acupuncture again today and she said if I feel cramping to take it easy and lay down. Hopefully it is a good sign and in a few days I'll know for sure.
I am so thankful for all the well wishes sent my way. This is what has helped me on my journey...thank you.........

I got the call this morning that the embryologist did not suggest waiting to day 5 and they wanted to do the transfer this morning. I had to empty my bladder and start drinking a liter of water. For those of you who know me well this was torture. I have the bladder of an 80 year old and the thought of not being able to go made me more nervous...thus, having to go even more! So we made it to the doctor's office at 9:15. The nurse checked my bladder to make sure it was full and it was! The dr. then came in with a picture of my embryos. There were 2 that were 7 cells and 1 that was 8cells. They were also grade 1. They also had 2 that were 5 cells and 1 that was 7 cells along with one that they were continuing to watch. They are freezing the 3 and possibly the fourth. The dr. asked how many we wanted to transfer. Eric wanted to do 2 but I thought since we came this far I wanted to do all 3 and we did. The process went smoothly. It definitely was uncomfortable due to the full bladder but it was manageable. The real waiting now begins. I go on Oct. 3 for the bloodtest that will tell if it worked! They said my lining looked good so they just need to implant. I know they can do it!!! I go again for acupuncture tomorrow and Thursday to help with my lining and implantation. :)

The embryologist called this morning. I have 3 follicles with 2 cells, 3 with 4 cells and 1 with 5 cells. They like to see them at 6-8 before transfer. I am tentatively scheduled for tomorrow morning for the transfer but they need to see what they will do overnight. Hopefully the ones that are 4 will be 8 and the one that is 5 will be 10. Still the waiting game. I went to acupuncture tonight which is supposed to help relax your uterus and assist with implantation. I've even gotten my mom to go to help with her back pain. Won't know much until they call in the morning.
Started the progesterone shots. I decided to just do it myself because I knew I needed to control the needle which is this big -------------------- and thick rather than have Eric or my mom do it. It is sore on my right side but tonight I did my left side and had no problems. I think the key is NOT icing it first because it is sesame oil and thick. Not icing helps to dissipate it better.
Still crossing my fingers, trying to be positive and nurturing my body the best I can! Time will tell!

The retrieval went well. I was definitely nervous the night before and the morning of but I think the anticipation was the worst. I was out for about 10 minutes. The dr. was able to retrieve 11 eggs. The embryologist called this morning and out of the 11 eggs 8 of them were mature. They all fertilized which she said was good that I had a 100% fertilization rate. The 8th one that fertilized though fertilized abnormally so I am working with 7. They have split so they continue to watch them over the next day. I'm not all that sure about this process and what has to occur. I think they have to continue to divide. They will call me tomorrow with an update and if there is a transfer it will be either Tuesday or Thursday. It is hard for them to tell me anything concrete because they don't know what will transpire but she said my age is a good factor. I am hoping that out of the 7 I will have at least 2 to transfer back. I'll go to acupuncture the night before the transfer and then the 2 days after it. She said it helps relax the uterus which helps with implantation.
Tonight I start the progesterone shot which I am stressing about big time! Even after everything I've put my body through you'd think this wouldn't scare me. The needle is just so enormous compared to others I've done and it has to go into your butt muscle. The size of the needle is enough to make me cry, 1 1/2 inches and it is a thick needle! I talked to the nurse. She said the first time is nerve wracking but most find once they do it they are ok. I've talked to others...they say it hurts. I know this is the next step in the process and I want to know I did all I could. I was going to have Eric or my mom administer it but I think I'd be more tense not knowing when it was going to go in. I'm going to try and do it myself. Hopefully it won't hurt...too much!

What a difference a day makes! I should have listened to Eric when he said calm down and don't stress out. I went this morning and my follicles went from 10mm to between 14 and 18mm. I have about 5 on my left side and 2 small ones on my right side (this side never seems to react to the stims the same way). This explains all the discomfort I was feeling yesterday! They were doing their job and working hard! So tonight was my last night of the stims and my belly thanks me. The 4 shots a day were definitely taking a toll and leaving me with a very sore stomach. They wanted to give me one more day to give some of the slower follicles a chance to grow more. They like to see them at about 16mm prior to the retrieval because it gives them the best chance of having a mature egg. I take the HCG shot tomorrow night which triggers you to ovulate and then the retrieval will be on Saturday morning. My hope is that best case scenario is all 7 will have an egg and they'll be able to fertilize 2-3. I'm not sure if I'll have anything to freeze. The dr. did not think so. So it is still a waiting game but I'm still moving forward which I am happy about. Just crossing my fingers that I'll have something to put back in next week!